Egregoros

When my husband annoys me, I eat hobnobs on his side of the bed when he's not there, so he gets all the crumbs

I'm and English teacher but I love a run on sentence. I feel they give the reader a much truer understanding of the writer's internal state.

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Had to ghost someone after a couple of successful dates, their Dad popped up on my Facebook and he spends all day sharing AI slop about immigrants. Sorry, you were quite nice, but I'm not spending Christmas listening to that shit.

Went into the bogs at work to find the pan covered in skidmarks. At the same time the office cleaner came in, so I had to clean the skids to ensure I wasn't incorrectly identified as the mucky sod.

My wife keeps getting We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel stuck in head. I deliberately write shopping lists, text messages, etc. in the same meter and it drives her insane. I've denied it so far.

Been slagging off my elderly neighbour for allowing his garden to get overgrown and full of weeds. Turns out he has been dead and buried six months.

Spent a week recently thinking I was having a stroke owing to the fact I could smell burnt toast most days. Turned out my next door neighbour was just burning his toast.

Tired of travelling through airports with my wife. She insists on packing bargain shop flapjacks as 'plane snacks'. We get stopped on security scan every time. Last time the security person told me why - the flapjacks look like small sticks of Semtex on the luggage X-ray.

We were 26. Wife said I could have whatever I wanted for my birthday. I think she thought I'd make a sexual request. I asked for steak and eggs for breakfast, with 500g of melted milk chocolate served in a pint glass. Best breakfast ever. She made me do the washing up.

I have pertectly symmetrical balls, no low-hanger. I wish life had more opportunities to shamelessly point this out

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I lived with a boyfriend in 1989 and 1990. After he cheated on me I left. I took the fuse out of every plug. I also took his screwdriver.

About 3 years ago I purchased around £300 worth of alcohol from a store. Two days later I realised that my card declined. I've been living in fear since

I was the third Kenny hired in our office in 1997. When we reviewed CVs for the next hiring round we prioritised other Kennys. When I left in 2003 we had eight Kennys. I suppose hiring based on a first name is a bit unethical but it was funny.

Worried my wife might be pregnant. It was her turn to cook last night and we had a salad made from chicken liver, duck liver, sheep liver, onion, and watercress. It was lovely, but I'm confident that three types of liver in one dish must be a hormonal demand, not cuisine.

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I love my girlfriend. But I really wish she wouldn't say "I'm gonna gobble-wobble your knobby-bobble" when she gets horny. It's kinda off putting.

At my junior school we tried to see how far up the wall we could piss and marked the tile. Went back with my grandson for a fete and the mark was still there. Would've attempted to beat it but the prostate wouldn't allow it; well done Pete, still unbeaten after 55 years.

If going to the cinema at a quiet time I buy the cheapest tickets then sit wherever I'd like. Never been questioned.